Music Musts

Very good Sunday to you all! Hopefully a very good Sunday to me too. To say that this week has been dramatic would be an understatement. In fact, I've probably had enough drama to fill me an entire Keeping up with the Kardashians episode, a Lord knows that ain't an easy task (E!, hit me up if you fancy filming an hour of footage of me trying to clean up cat poop and/or crying). Safe to say it's been difficult to wrap my head around my own problems, let alone the celebrity world of dreamz and dramz this week. But I'm still gonna have a crack at my top five things this week because, well, I'm just that good of a person. This week I'm doing this music themed. Because I can.

If you haven't checked out my other Sunday posts then I'll tell ya' that this little segment is the type of rubbish we'd chat in the office around the water cooler. Get it? Do you get it? You get it? Let's carry on then. (And/or you should definitely check out the other week's, even though the news is probably now outdated and irrelevant) ((yay)).

New music, new music, new music. Firstly, if you really haven't been keeping up then you will have missed my festival crazed posting this week. Glitter and camping and drinking is my fave. You also won't know that I'm not at Reading Festival and I'm pretty pissed about it. But I have found some incredible new talent, just by watching the ol' telly box. 

My fave new find is this lovely lady, Lizzo, who did a cheeky little performance up in the BBC Three Treehouse. Not only was the song catchy as heck, but she has such a nice face. The kind of face you wanna have a joke with over a bottle of wine. Not sure if I want to be her or be with her but for sure I want every outfit from her music videos. Girl knows about a sequin. See what I'm chattering on about by watching above. She's on my list of people I must see live. Yaaas. 

Must stay away from... Sleeping with Sirens. Now, I must admit the band is not one that I'd jump on the band wagon (get it!?) for, but the 14 year old scene kid in me would definitely give 'em a go. Heck! The 14 year old me probably would have loved their music. I caught their live set at Reading online today, which was simultaneously really disappointing and exciting. Exciting because, well it proved that you didn't have to hit the notes or stay in key with the rest of the band to be on the MainStage, so I'm definitely in the with a shot! Next year headliner- Alexandra Said So (I might even be in key, who knows!?). It's safe to say I'll probably never give this band a listen again, unless I need to feel better about myself. Go watch their set if you enjoy a noise that's worse than any cat simile I can think of.

New single, new single, new single. This is my second find. It's not exactly new, if you follow me on twitter or tumblr you'll have seen me hollering about this track. I managed to catch it performed live at Reading through the red button and it really solidified my love. So ready for this new album in my life. Ezra Koening (who I have a little (big) crush on) pops his vocals on the track just brilliantly. If you don't want to say 'Gargoyles, gargling oil' over and over then nothing will please you. Listen to the tongue twisty bass'y-bass'y song below, and feel epic. 

Old music, new TV show. The trailer for the new HBO series following the Foo Fighters has been released and my word it's a beauty. I'm not sure if it's just my hormones playing up but I felt totes emosh just watching the advert, so I feel like this could be something special. Music lovers unite over this one. Or Foo Fighter's fans. Whoever. If you haven't seen it yet, watch the trailer below. 

Possible live music!? For those of us who have started thinking about what to wear for Glasto' 2015, the rumours have started rolling around too! Grab your sequins because it could be a diva fest. After the amazing, amazing, ah-may-zing performance from my fave little person Dolly Parton, they've apparently asked Miss Diana Ross to step up to the metaphorical plate and belt out some hits for the drunken masses. Apparently. It's all hush hush and unconfirmed, but a mighty good rumour it may be.  One might even call it supreme... (buh dum dum tsch).

More free live music!!! More names have been added to the fantastic list of artists and acts that are performing as part of the iTunes Festival, the bloomin' fabulous Jessie Ware being one of them. I am so much more than eagerly anticipated her new album 'Tough Love' especially since the release of single 'Say You Love Me' co-written by Ed Sheeran. Her voice on the track is just perfect as it moves from cool chic pop to something maybe a little more mainstreamy. I hope this earns her a place in the charts and many more fans to hear what else she has to offer. Listen to the new single here...

So there's all my music-y opinions and thoughts this week. No celeb news, no real news, no other nothing. Just music. Because music is pretty fab. Because I said so. 

What's In My Bag: Festival Edition

News Flash: I'm not your mum! I'm not chatting biological stuff, we both know I didn't pop you out my lady parts. I'm talking about telling you what to do. I'm not gonna tell you to take a tent to festival because if you can't work that out you deserve to sleep outside in the cold. Instead, I'm gonna give you my list of "other essentials". One might say that they're not really essentials at all. But that person would essentially be wrong (yeah).

First and foremost; Wellies and Ponchos. "But you told us you were not gonna list the obvious essentials Alex, why are you telling us this?". I'm telling you this because I really messed up this year in that I decided I was going to chance it without them. Tempt fate with a nice pair of boots. Tempt fate indeed. I was too cocky and I lost a pair of good boots and had to fork out for some new wellies. Nice one. Don't do a me, be prepared for all weather. Because wet, muddy socks are not fun, don't challenge me on that one.


Food glorious food! Yes there will be a feast of food trucks just waiting to serve you up some greasy, salty hangover goodness. Some things like pulled pork in a giant yorkshire will be worth paying £7.50 for, but you will also pay £6 for chicken nugget noodles, because you're drunk and it's a good idea at the time. Spare yourself some over expenny truck food, bring some bits from home;
Take a bag of little apples. Fruit? At a festival? I don't even eat fruit at home, but once that 6th burger hits home, you'll decide a little fresh fruit wouldn't go a miss. It's surprising how much an apple can make you feel fresher.
Also a packet of biscuits or a tube of pringles are a really good investment. They're dry and simple if you've got an icky stomach. They're easy to munch on if you're drunk. You don't have to leave your tent for food when (not if, when) it's raining. Perfecto! 44p Smartprice biscuits, even more perfecto!  Easy food planning and packing- tick.

Why have an empty bottle when you can fill it with vodka? Fair enough, even I can't argue with that. Even if you don't pack an empty water bottle, buy a little coke from one of the hundreds of ice cream fans laying around and keep the bottle afterwards. Staying hydrated is super important and key to surviving the whole weekend, so you don't want to be remortgaging to pay £2 a time for the privilege of drinking water. Ya' feel me?

Festivals tend to last from Friday to Monday, some stretch even further. There's a potential of going six days without washing your hair. A headband or scarf just makes sense. It can turn day six hell into festival chic. Just do it. Headscarf + glitter combo gives you full on festival realness.

Every girl has neon paint in little dots around their eyes, but every cool girl has glitter (or boy or non-binary gender! We don't care, glitter is cool full stop). Festivals are the one place in the world where you can put whatever the heck you want on your face and there's going to be someone with something bigger, brighter, odder and weirder than you, so no one cares!! Some people can pull off two day mascara, but everyone can pull off two day glitter. Yaaaaas. Plus having glitter on your face will distract from any blemishes that probably will have emerged from the drinking/eating/partying/dirt that's going on. Take a little lip balm with you to help apply and stick the glitter to your face. Et Voila.

It makes so much sense. Festivals tend to run on a clock that throws out the rules of society. You expect it to quieten down in the early hours but it won't. It's 24 hours of constant noise and drunks. If you're like me and really need a bit o' beauty sleep to not become moaning Myrtle the next day, earplugs and sleeping masks will be your saviour. I've never camped at a festival without them. Infact, if nothing else from this list- I would take these things. For reals.

A roll mat just won't cut it. It could be 4 inches thick and you'll still feel that rock you pitched the tent on. But a lilo, now that's a game changer. Admittedly when my pal whacked out her lilo last year at Reading festival, I had a little laugh. We joked about her being able to float away if it rained, and I mocked her trying to take it down when we left. But after taking one to Glastonbury I am a convert. I picked one up for £3 on ebay, and it was really easy to pack and carry (unlike full on blow up mattresses). Let's face it, you'll need all the help you can to get a good night's sleep, or at least a few hours.

Anti-chaffing Gel. It's not for the faint-hearted. You'll probably get your mum to buy it for you at the chemist because you're embarrassed. (I definitely used to). Let me tell you this, wearing tight jean shorts will look fab, but feel much less fab on your inner thighs, three days into wearing them. It doesn't seem very glam but sores, rashes and general pains are not glam either. It's more common than you think! Be comfortable! And remember that sharing is caring...

That's about it! You're now ready to embark on one of the best weekends of your life, you lucky duck. Take loads of photos, see lots of bands you haven't heard of and dance even when your feet don't want to. Because I said so.

Reading and Leeds: My Pick

Crack out ya' wellies folks, it's Reading and Leeds!! I'm gutted, so totally gutted. For the first time in four years I won't be at Reading Festival, putting my drunken stamp on the place. (I did Glastonbury instead this year which was possibly the greatest experience of my life, but I will miss my little baby, Reading Fest.) Gotta love what you know. So to make up for my lack of Reading and my gift to you, here's my fantasy picks of this year's line up. Make sure you miss nothing!

Friday:

After setting up on Wednesday and hanging like crazy on Thursday, Friday is always super super exciting. First music of the weekend! This year, (If I was there) you would definitely find me chilling and dancing my way through the day in the NME tent. It's a fab line up and here's why...

SBTRKT- Super cool, chill dance vibes with amazing guest vocals from Sampha and Jessie Ware. From house party to festival, you will be definitely be dancing. Often sampled on Made in Chelsea if you're wondering "Where have I heard this before!?" Listen below:

Palma Violets- 'I wanna be your best friend, I don't want you to be my girl...' slightly indie edged, super cool, Brit band are fab for having a bit of a bop about to. Easy lyrics to pick up too. They played the NME tent in 2013 and now they headline the Festival Republic stage, if Queens of Stone Age aren't your thing and you're looking for something new, have a looksy at these guys;

Metronomy- Saving the best 'til last on the Friday line up, this band is my ultimate fave and perhaps what I'm most upset about missing. I caught them at my first ever festival, LoveBox, back in 2011 and have been in love ever since. Their latest album 'Love Letters' brings laid back 60s vibes and translates amazingly live on stage. After seeing them at Glasto this year, I promise it's a bloody good dancey set. Go and have the most fun ever. You'll probably recognise their hit 'The Look' from the Barclays ad. and loads of BBC 3 programs, wouldn't you know... Listen below to two of their fabulous hits;

Saturday

There's honestly so much going on on the Saturday of Reading, no doubt you probably went 'too hard' on the Friday night and are possibly dying... But power through because there's so much to see and hear and dance to!! Swap your morning voddy for a Berocca and you'll be fine... Let's hope you don't have a headache because it's a heavy day...

Royal Blood- Radio one and festivals of the summer have plugged this band 100%. So it's worth going to see the hype. Plus then you can be one of those people who go around saying 'I saw them before they were big'... I never do that, promise... (lies). If you're looking for that heavier sound I'd recommend Pulled Apart By Horses who are wonderful Reading Festival veterans. Who doesn't want to listen to a song entitled 'I punched a Lion in the Throat'? Nobody! That's who... 

Here's a Royal Blood track:

CHVRCHES- I've been trying to see this band live for the past two years and I miss them every time. They are forever clashing with other important things, this year no different. Judging from the line up they'd be on at the same time as either Jake Bugg or Imagine Dragons (both of which I highly recommend!!!) but as I've seen them both before it would finally be Chvrches' time to shine! Get yo' dance on:

Arctic Monkeys- How could I not? Previous Glasto headliners and just super mega cool sounding group will have you chanting/singing/dancing/loving life all night. They could come out rack off their hits and leave and it'd be a bloody great show, throw in some of that AM realness and we're onto a winner. You gotta do it guys. I saw them in London last year and they were uh-ma-zing. Promise.

Sunday

You're hungry, tired, achey and probably haven't poo'ed in four days, but you know what? You're loving life all the same!! Yaaaas. Last music day, always totes emosh. Here's what I'd make my way to see:

Jungle- You've heard me rave about them before, hear me rave about them again, then go and rave to them yourself. I'm dying and desperate to see these guys live, so beat me to the punch and check 'em out early Sunday. 

The Kooks- I'd sort of forgotten about them, I must admit. I'd told myself I like them and hurried down to their secret set at Glasto this year. It was then that I realised how many hits these guys have! Like 'em or not you'll certainly be able to sing along. Gather your pals around and sing 'She Moves in Her Own Way' in each others arms. Perfect festival moment... Prepare for it to be really busy. Here's their new single live from when Glastonbury, lovely:

Disclosure- We saw these guys last year at Reading and apart from grumbling at how famous they were for kids and having a whole pint of warm urine thrown at me, I really bloody enjoyed it. It'll be difficult to summon that last leg of energy from the weekend, but try. It'll be totally worth it. The NME tent will be filled with youngens' and 'lads' being annoying but focus on the task at hand; DANCE.

So there we have it folks, there's my top picks of the weekend and a little food for thought. This week I plan to also bring you my list of second-wave essentials and my Creamfield picks. Yayyyyy so much good stuff happening. So have lots of super fun at Reading/Leeds. Whoever you dance to, just make sure you're dancing. Because I said so. 

The Metaphorical Water Cooler iii

It's a bleak time at the moment. There's some really bloody awful stuff happening in the world, so much tragedy, death and injustice. It makes me doubt myself and my writing. There's so many more important things to say rather than what I am saying, so much more than what I can chat to you about over a blog. So I just want you to understand that I realise that there's a bigger picture, and that the news I bring is nothing in the grand scheme of the horrors going on right now. All you have to do is search Gaza or Ferguson on google and realise the extent of problems we and so many are facing. Please, please read up on it and/or comment with useful articles and opinions below because I'm always interested in learning new perspectives.

But because this is what I know, here is some of my top bits of entertainment/media news and favourites this week, a little more light hearted in these dark times. The sort of stuff we'd perhaps chat about around the metaphorical water cooler in the metaphorical office, no?

My first favourite thing to put in my ears is this- Sam Smith's 'In The Lonely Hour'. I absolutely realise how late to the party I am, I do, I do. Guess I kinda wasn't in the right frame of mind to really connect to the album beforehand. Released in June, this album really is perfect to get a little totes emotional with. It's honestly a beautiful piece of work. My top tracks from the album are 'Not In That Way', 'I've Told You Now' and 'Lay Me Down'. Take from that what you will. If you haven't already (and you probably have) please go and listen to this little beauty.

My TV pick this week is Made In Chelsea in New York. What's better than watching how the other half live (real or no real) but watching how the other half live in a place that's probably superior to anywhere else in the world!!! J'adore the big apple (in Mark Francis' voice). We tuned in this week to find out why Jamie was crying at little ex-Binky-love Alex- why was Jamie crying!? What have you done now Alex!? I was hoping he'd slept with Jamie's mum, the crafty little bugger. No such luck. Keep your little non-Chelsea eyes on the show every Sunday at 9pm, to hear such fabulous lines such as "She's so cold, she's frozen!". Inspired, truly inspired... Here are the lovely lot, not being a nuisance or throwing drinks over each other at the top of the Empire State Building.  Pretty boring really...

Not sure if it classes as entertainment but it is entertaining as heck- foods shaped as non-food things. My first encounter was with a post floating around Tumblr of lego shaped chocolate, which is 100% fabulous, no doubts at all. Have fun AND eat chocolate!! Uh-maze-ing. Chocolate and Lego, at the same time. Double amazing. It comes from the magical mind of designer Akihiro Mizzuuchi and hopefully into the stomach of little ol' me. What a time to be alive!

Secondly was this maybe less fabulous but no less entertaining article I found about pears shaped like babies. I stare both in wonder and in horror at the little things. I'm not a massive fan of pears anyways, so this doesn't really make me feel any better about them. Can't deny it's clever. I shall forever more stay in wonder at how they do it...








This week I come with two equally brilliant but very different film recommendations. I finally got round to seeing The Lego Movie (Yaaaas), it was so so so good. I was initially put off because it was all cartoony and lego but it's actually super impressive. Everything's Lego! Like, everything!!! Plus although it's a child's film there's plenty of adult humour to keep you entertained. Love it. Would totally recommend for anyone who needs a but of light, laughter or child-like splendour in their lives.

My second recommendation is right at the other end of the cinematic spectrum; Short Term Twelve. Directed by Destin Daniel Cretton and released in 2013, this film needs to be shown to everyone. Everyone and anyone with a heart. Sighs... Following the story of a foster-care facility for teenagers, it really does just tug at the ol' heartstrings. Beautifully shot and written, I cannot recommend this enough. If you fancy a little cry, (a more hopeful, than sad cry) have a look at this one currently 99p rental on iTunes. Or it's on Netflix, if you're one of those people... (I sure am).


Finally, I couldn't really round up last weeks entertainment news without mentioning the tragic passing of actor, comedian and well-loved human Robin Williams. It is the passing of a generation's childhood, their films and laughter. So much has been said that means more than anything I could write up in words. My thoughts are with his family.

How to Survive: Results Week

Don't panic. Results week has been and nearly gone. For those who aren't waiting on results it means you can reclaim your local clubs and pubs next week, back from the drunk young teens, hooray!! For those ones who have had this week haunting you all summer, this one is for you!! You lucky duck.  As that fateful Thursday has now left us all, you probably know what's going down in your little ol' life and you've probably got a ruddy awful headache this rather grey Friday. To everyone who found out their results yesterday (or any other day), I say congrats and commiserations. Take whatever one you need...

This can be either a happy dance or a cheer up dance, tah-dah! 

I probably won't be the first person to let you know that whatever happens is okay. If you didn't get what you needed or wanted- that's okay, or if you exceeded your targets- that's pretty bloody okay too. Things are still gonna happen in your life, life will not stop now. I'm not your teacher, I'm not your life coach, I'm not gonna advise you on what routes to take. But I can tell you that it'll probably be okay. There's a light at the end of every cliched tunnel.

If you are heading to university, back to college or into a job, here are some little things that might help you out, regardless of whether your downed that bottle of wine to celebrate of forget your day! (See, it doesn't matter what you achieved, both good and bad results lead you to do the same thing, and I feel like this could be a pretty obscure but brilliant metaphor for life. I may or may not consider this some more later in the blog...).

-No one really talks about grades. Now, I'm not sure if this is universal, or just where I happen to study, but it's a subject that we just leave alone at uni. The people who didn't get what they wanted won't ask and the people that got what they needed won't be listened to. The most that you'll be asked is 'What did you study for a-levels?' but nine times out of ten it'll never be followed with grades. It might come out of the bag during a game of never have I ever, but I'm sure that game will give people much more interesting things to discuss and you to be worried and embarrassed about (like your sexual exploits/ or lack of) ((have fun with that one)).

-Your grades at A level do not necessarily translate in University grades. The person that got the A at A level might do much worse than the D level student because they can't cope with the new environment. Or the style of course might work better for some people than for others, and previous grades are irrelevant. Basically, no one is safe from a small breakdown. Which is nice in some backwards kinda way, because everyone's bonded in their vulnerability. How sweet!?

-Grades do not reflect you fully as a person. It's a small part of your life that doesn't account for kindness, humour, ability to love, creativity, persistence, passion and probably most of what makes you, you. The people you meet will be more interested in the music you like, or the sports you're into, or how much you can make them laugh. Pretty much anything other than what you achieved.

-This is not to say you shouldn't be proud. Of course you should! If you've got what you wanted or needed then that's pretty amazing and you should 100% be happy and joyful and let everyone that loves you know about how bloody fabulous you've been. You've worked hard and it's paid off so go ahead and celebrate! 

I realise I've made a lot of contradicting points but I think the gist of what I'm trying to say is that; Results are really really important but they are not the be all and end all. It's what you do with those results (good or bad) that really matter. 

That's a pretty good message, right? If you can pinpoint a message with New Girl gifs, it's gotta be a good'en. So if ya' hanging so bad you don't reckon you'll make it past the weekend let alone the rest of your life, pick yourself up, call your pals, and get back out tonight. You're at a time in your life where there's no reason to regret going out two nights in a row. You've got the rest of your life to worry about that. Make the most of this little bit of in-between time, before everyone has to go and do their thang. Because I said so.

How to Survive: Post-Festival

BrownStock 2013

Alt-J at Reading 2013

BST: The Rolling Stones

Contradicting what the well loved christmas song might tell you, 'Festival Season' is in fact the most wonderful time of the year! It's a time where the rules of society are thrown out the window and it's perfectly acceptable to get up, open a cider and throw on as much glitter as you possibly can. I wish every day was as easy. Getting ready for a festival is super super exciting. Matching your wellies to your nail polish isn't a step too far I promise... but there so much advice on how to perfect the festival experience and I probably don't need to throw my rock in an ocean that's pretty much covered it all. But what's too often forgotten about, and maybe for good reason, is the morning after the muddy weekend before. It's one hell of a morning and as much as you don't want to think of life after the party, I think a little bit of planning can make the transition back into civilisation smoother.



Now I'm not telling you it's gonna be easy. Travelling with too much stuff in massive crowds with a three day hangover and a smell that makes you hate yourself is never gonna be your favourite day of the year. Just know that it has to be done. You can't clap your red wellies three times and be back home. Eventually the nightmare morning will turn into a "Remember when..." for you and your pals but until that time here's my tips on getting through that stage:



Practise putting up and taking down your tent.

Wisely practising for Reading Festival 2012

I did not take this advice this year and after getting cocky with how easy my pop up tent was to set up, I wasn't laughing when my half hour of struggling lead me to leaving it behind. You have to make a deal with the devil to pack up a pop-up tent or it's £40 down the drain... So if you're a student (or just riding the red wave of the overdraft) you don't want to be losing anything because you're not sure how it all works (I've decided it's witchcraft). Yes, yes, there are instructions on tent bag, but I promise you they do not really help, more like destructions than anything else. So if you have a go at home, you have the wonderful internet to tell you how to do it; watch a video of someone struggling to put their tent down and let them do all the hard work! It may seem trivial but I promise you it's worth it, because when that Monday morning rolls around, you'll never want to see a tent again.

My pal trying deflating her lilo, Reading 2013

My next point seems really obvious but having water for the journey home is so very important. You've spent three days suckling the teat of a red wine bag, your brain is more than definitely fuzzed with dehydration. It'll make you feel more fresh,  feel less head-achey and the envy of anyone without water, lugging tents and bags is thirsty work I tells ya!
Which brings me to my last point- pack light! Unless you're in a massive group and they're bringing most the stuff, you gotta make it easy for yourself. Put down that extra bag of clothes. Put down the camping stove. Think about everything you've gotta bring back when there's not excitement adrenaline to get you through it. Just no.

 Chummy is sad because we couldn't carry the alcohol, Reading 2012

You're home, you've finally made it, you're not sure how you survived. You've battled crowds and trains and real life people slightly delirious with too much luggage and probably soaked in urine but now you're home. Then it hits you; it's over. Months and weeks of planning and excitement, over. There's no shower clean enough, no bed comfy enough and no food fresh enough to make real life worth it, but they help! There's little things you can do to stop yourself from slipping into post-festival-depression, so have a cheeky little look at what I have to offer...

Buy yourself some nice face things; mud masks, cleansing balm, maybe even a bath bomb. Your face has taken the strain of binge eating, binge drinking, mud, no shower and whatever else the weekend has thrown at you. It deserves a bit of royal treatment, as do you. Plus the mud mask can make you reminisce about all the mud you had to wade through to see your fave band. The circle of life! A good bath bomb is such a fab idea. A bath is going to feel good anyway, but why cry with post-festival depression in a plain bath when you could be in a really bloody good smelling bath. You've abused your nose this weekend with some God awful smells (do we need to bring up the 'composting toilets'...) ((and probably some other things...)) so it's the perfect way to make it up to yourself. Lovely. 

Wash your bed sheet before you leave so you come home to a clean bed. Absolutely nothing feels better than getting into clean sheets when you've just had a bath and washed your hair, nothing. Nope, nothing. You've been on the floor in sleeping bags for the past few nights so you'll thank yourself. However, if you're not ready to give up on festival life try taking a sleeping bag to bed with you. Even better if it's ripe with festival smells. Yummy. Voila! It's like you're back.

Huddling for warmth, Reading 2012

Record all the live coverage on your telly box! Or go find it online when you get back, if you aren't lucky enough to own one of those recording thingys. It is perfect if you're not ready to listen to music that's not live and a great way to relive the weekend. Or push you further into post-festival-depression because it's too nostalgic for you. But you know it's always fun playing a game of 'spot the drunken me in the crowd', especially if your parents are watching with you too... Grab your festival chummies around to watch together with a bottle of wine, invite other friends and show off all your inside jokes and stories that they just won't get because they weren't there. "You just don't understand!!"

Buy lemsip, buy beechums, buy anything that will help your cold. It's just a given that you'll have festival flu in the days that follow your mega weekend. In your most vulnerable time you're not going to want to have a little trip to asda looking and feeling like death, so do it before hand. Then if you're super super lucky and don't have flu, you're stocked up for future. Everybody gets colds...

Hair of the dog! You're not quite ready to get back into day to day life. So open the cider back up. Live like you would festival style, just for another day. After Reading in 2012 I came home to my Mum's house to a steak, bottle of champagne, cupcakes and an already run bath. I legit cried in happiness. Sort your fridge out before you leave so you can treat yo'self when you feel bloody terrible on returning. You're welcome. 

I've done my fair share of festivals in past few years and I can't get enough! I think that makes me a little qualified to give my tips; I've been there, done that and peed in the urinals to prove it. So if you've got a festival coming up in the next month start thinking about life after the party, because I said so. You'll thank me later.

The Metaphorical Water-Cooler part deux

If you're wondering about the title, it's me helping you to visualise us standing around the imaginary water-dispenser in our imaginary office whilst we have an imaginary natter. Not convinced by that? More simply, it's my round up of the week's entertainment news and my opinions and Mary Berry. Sounds vague, well let me tell you, it's vaguely brilliant. Yes it is. Don't try to deny it. My Mum said it was good.

-The Cult of London Grammar.
I'm not talking about cockney English teachers getting together, no. It appears the warriors of the internet have hit the keyboard once more to accuse chill British band  London Grammar of becoming part of the probably fictitious Illuminati. They're a far cry from the usual finger-pointing-targets of the entertainment industry, (enter Queen Beyonce and Jay-Z) but when they posted that pic in front of the pyramid they sold their rumour-less souls to the devil.

Probably in between drinking vats of the blood of virgins, singer-soul-stress Hannah Reid took to the twitter world to unannounced the announced rumour.

"Any London Grammar fans concerned we are now members of a secret organisation also know as the Illuminati can rest easy as I assure you we haven't. It was a funny giant plastic pyramid that is all!"

 Hmmm, sounds like someone who'd joined a bad cult and was trying to hide that they had joined a bad cult would say, don't ya think? What's a definition of a good cult then? So many mysteries I don't know where to begin. Now, if you couldn't get the sarcasm in my thoughts I'll tell you straight; I'm not 100% sure there's any truth in the mysterious 'secret organisation', but there's definitely a little fun in all this speculating, right? When London Grammar drop their next album 'Goat Sacrifice' give me a shout...

Jumping on the speculation band-wagon, Katy Perry stuck in her two cents to ride the attention wave across the vast internet oceans. Quoted in Rolling Stone she said; "If the Illuminati exist, I would like to be invited. I see all that s**t and I’m like: 'Come on, let me in! I want to be in the club."' Of course she does, there's very few clubs left for Kezza Pezza to appropriate... Whoops. Or she's double bluffing, no one can have a fringe that straight cut without the devil's help, you hear what I'm saying? I thought so...


-Kool Kids with Kameras Kant stop taKing pictures.


My favourite waste of time, The Kardashians, have given us plenty to mull over this past week. Firstly, the infamous Mumager, Kris Jenner, was filmed by daughter Kendall in Ibiza struggling to wake up. Watch the amazing clip by clicking this link up in here! And know that we are all one step closer to being a Kardashian (Heaven knows I'm no morning person.)







The two spent the trip with other major fam member Kimmy K, as they instagrammed their way through plenty of people who are simultaneously famous and really really annoying (The Biebs being my prime example) (Not Kate Moss, though as she's a mega babe). During the time away Kim announced to the world that she would be releasing a book of selfies, cleverly entitled 'Selfish'. Apparently, it started off as a valentines gift for the other half of Kimye, Mr West. It really splits a person's morals 50/50. On the one hand why does the world need a book showcasing more of Kim who already has her face and name on pretty much everything, but on the other hand I really really want my own book of selfies and will probably bankrupt myself giving the millionaire even more dollar. The fence is well and truly sat on. You can make up your own opinion whilst we all wait on baited breath for whatever the Kardashians spit out next. A selfie never hurt anybody, a whole book of 'em probs won't either.


-The Great British Fascination with (Hashtag) GBBO

Before, I had only flirted with the notion of Mary Berry's existence but it was time to finally get involved and see what everyone was nattering about. "Watch the bake off" they said... "It's so cute" they said... So I did, and was surprised and rather impressed by Mary Berry actually being a rather sassy boss bitch rather than the Sunday afternoon swiss roll sweetheart I envisioned. I think I might love her more than my own family. She's not the only babe on the show either, Sue Perkins is pretty bloody fab. She strolls round doing what any of us would if we had the chance; eat spare cake (or off-cuts as I've now learnt) ((See! It's educational too)).
My advice to you is this, eat before the show. After finishing off most of my edible lip scrub trying to control the hunger I felt as they paraded the best looking (and some not so great but equally tasty looking) cakes for the most torturous hour of my life, I ran to the kitchen to find nothing but smart price chicken noodles. That really wasn't going to cut it. Sighs.

So yeah, even though the show seems to be a hit with Nannas everywhere, it's 100% worth a watch for us young'ens too ya' know. Just make sure you've got plenty of back up snacks for when the munchies set in. Food porn galore. Also, watch out for the disgustingly brilliant overuse of the word moist. Moist. Filthy posh British people. Moist.




-Mind your gap!
The power of the people! A beautiful little clip emerged onto social media the world round this week when a train full of commuters all used their mighty little arms to free a passenger caught between the train and the track. I like to think about how that would've gone down in Britain's capital; home of smiling faces and people happy to help out strangers and make themselves late for work. There goes that sarcasm thing again... Probably would have called the victim something along the lines of Kim K's new book title... Not probably, definitely. Here's the video of actual good people down-under doing actual good things and not hating each other for it:

-I'm about that cat lady life

It was World Cat Day this week, and I happened to be back in Essex this weekend so for anyone asking, I came back for my little cat, Willy-Wills, obvs.  Truthfully, I only found out most the way through the day, but I don't wanna hurt the little guy's feelings. So if, like me, you missed it, here's next week's line up so you can celebrate them all:
Sunday- National Lazy Day
Monday- National Son's and Daughter's Day
Tuesday- National Middle Child's Day
Wednesday- National Filet Mingnon Day
Thursday- National V-J Day (Victory of Japan, not Vajazzles but it should be...)
Friday- National relaxation and/or Lemon Meringue Pie Day
Saturday- National Tell A Joke/ Roller Coaster Day
So if you've been born to humans, have older and younger siblings, enjoy pie and thrill seeking- This is your week!!!! Enjoy it, because I said so.