Between the heat and the schools breaking up, the world outside my little London flat was not somewhere I wanted to be. And because my kitchen flooded and had to be re-tiled, inside was not particularly great either. But it was payday and I was bored and there was no hatred of people strong enough to stop me having a little spend. So off to Westfield in Stratford I went.
Why would you go to one of the busiest places in London if you don't want to be around other people? I hear your eyebrows raising and eyes a rollin'. Fear not! I've got a pretty good Stratford shopping system in place.
The first rule of Stratford shopping is to not talk about Stratford shopping. I jest, I jest. This is not Brad Pitt talking. My first rule is that it's all about knowing your days of the week. Without a doubt, everyday that Westfield is open it is busy, even worse now that all the youngens have put down their thinking caps for the summer. But just like you know not to catch that 6pm train from London, shopping has it's peak times too.
Ignore what Rebecca Black told you. You haven't gotta get down on Friday. It's more than often payday and those lucky enough to have a couple of hours spare will probably be there, just as irritable as you, but with that new money crazy eye. Fight the urge and wait until after the weekend, or don't go at all. (Mega-saves). Saturday and Sunday are kinda hit and miss. Either people avoid it because they think it's going to be busy so it's actually quite quiet or it's just as busy as everyone would expect. The latter applies to every weekend during the summer break. Damn those kids with freedom and no bills to pay.
My second rule, which applies mainly if you're shopping with other humans you can tolerate, is communication! If your pal asks you if it's okay to go into Primark one more time, because they're still not sure whether jelly shoes are a good investment or not, don't say yes if you're starting to fantasise about setting fire to the store to make it all stop. Instead suggest going for a cheeky drink break, where you can debate the shoes over a nice cold alcoholic beverage (or non-alcoholic if you're feeling brave). You'll feel much better about that final lap of the shops after, promise.
This brings me nicely to my third and fave rule which is drinking! In every sense of the word. If you're like me and love to buy things but hate to actually shop then this is key. Spending large amounts of time in crowds of people, with dodgy air-con, panicking about the money you've spent will dry out your throat. Keep water on you, just to stay a little sane if nothing else.
Well done, you managed to be in a crowd without killing anyone, have a drink. Well done, you got out the house today, you deserve a drink. Oh God you've spent how much? You need a drink. There are five soaps in your basket that you don't need but they smelt so good and anything that makes you happy in this time of need must be bought!! This scenario demands a drink! Just one little drink can help you forget your worries or ease you into buying things you weren't so sure about. (Probably not good advice, but true nonetheless). I took myself to TGIs to splurge on a cocktail. I opted for the ultimately refreshing Frozen Strawberry Margarita, which was so so so good. It was that drink that meant other people in the bar were coming up to me to ask what I had ordered. A+, 10/10, would recommend to everyone who's hot and bothered and shopping.
My fourth and final rule for now is do not shop on an empty stomach! I repeat do not shop on an empty stomach. You will get into a fight. Also don't shop on a full stomach, that time is for napping. Find a happy medium. To make it an even happier medium download the 'Voucher codes' app and find yourselves a fab little deal to treat yo'self. We went for Gourmet Burger Kitchen, which offered up the deal of two burgers for £10 (not including sides). Super delicious, quick service and a not overly expenny. You're welcome!
It's not advice for everyone, but by golly, it's not bad advice either. If none of the above sounds good to you, maybs internet shopping is the way forward. It's definitely my fave way of doing things. But why should you listen to me? Because I said so.
(Also, jelly shoes are a good investment; fun, comfy and in-expenny. Why the hell not?)
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